You may or may not be familiar with the term “family of origin” as it relates to therapy. When it comes to understanding how you function emotionally and/or in your relationships, it’s an important term to get familiar with.
Key Takeaways:
- Self-Awareness is Foundational: Understanding your emotional patterns and core beliefs is the crucial first step in personal growth.
- Family of Origin Work Offers Insight: Exploring past experiences can illuminate the roots of current challenges and improve your relationships.
- Prioritizing Emotional Health is Key: Cultivating emotional resilience and healthy coping mechanisms significantly enhances your quality of life.
- Consistent Effort Drives Change: Personal growth is an ongoing process that requires dedication and self-compassion.
- Seeking Guidance Can Be Beneficial: Consulting with a therapist can provide valuable support and strategies for self-improvement.
Family or origin therapy is the process of exploring your historical relational experiences to understand how you function. As a therapist myself, this the way I would describe it in more detail:
Family of origin work is the process of removing the obstacles that block you emotionally and/or in your relationships. By understanding your relational history, you are better able to understand the narrative you created about yourself, others and the world around you. If the stories (or beliefs) you have been carrying are inaccurate, this may not be helpful. The goals are to understand and heal these wounds, shift your narrative and get unstuck.
A range of emotional and relational issues are connected to one’s family of origin experiences with parents, primary care-givers and/or families in general, as well as past trauma. Anxiety, depression, anger, fear and recurrent relationship problems are often tangled up in these unresolved issues. Our early experiences help shape the narratives we carry about ourselves, our “stories” or core beliefs about who we are, whether we can safely rely on others, etc. I never cease to be amazed by the ways people cope with adversity. However, sometimes the survival adaptations that served them well then, often don’t continue to do so.
Examples of early life challenges:
- Childhood trauma (physical, sexual or emotional abuse)
- Critical or harsh parenting styles in childhood
- Rejecting or dismissing parenting styles in childhood
- Living in a chaotic, fear-based environment in childhood
- Death or long term illness of a parent, sibling or other close relationship
- Witnessing a volatile, high-conflict relationship between parents
- More subtle boundary violations and codependencies
Therapists have their own unique approaches to doing this kind of work but my family of origin therapy involves an exploration of the past, understanding of how the past might have impacted you on emotional and relational level, identifying unhelpful core beliefs you may have developed about yourself, others and the world, then shifting these. I educate people about how changing their thinking impacts their feelings and ultimately their behavior. A look at the quality of attachment with parents or primary caregivers is also part of the work.
Feeling Stuck
People who feel “stuck” often report they’ve felt this way a long time. Many come to therapy trying to understand why they are repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. Or they’re struggling with depression, anxiety, stress or other self-defeating thinking styles that lead to self-defeating behaviors. Some simply say, “something feels off.”
Often there is little awareness initially that they are still operating from old narratives. Defense mechanisms to help protect from early experiences of hopelessness, fear, anger or sadness may have served you then but no longer. But even if you haven’t been able to make a connection, you probably have had a sense that something isn’t working for you emotionally or in your relationships. The article, Family of Origin Work: Is it Time to Start Digging takes a deeper dive into when you know it’s time to start looking more closely at this. It’s also helpful to understand this work through the lens of intergenerational trauma, the legacies that have been passed down from family to family, literally carried in DNA and in the genes.
Here are a few signs you might benefit from this kind of therapy work:
- You carry an underlying sense of not being good enough or feeling unlovable.
- You struggle with emotional dysregulation (easily angered, sad or afraid).
- You repeat unhealthy relationship patterns.
- You identify as perfectionistic.
- You struggle with addiction.
- You have trust issues that show up in your relationships.
There are different ways you can address your family of origin issues.
Talk therapy can help you dig deep and process. This remains one of the most passionate areas of my therapy practice. For
people who finally understand themselves in this way, process the emotions of their experiences, change the stories they’ve been carrying and heal themselves move ahead in their lives entirely differently. This is no bandaid approach but instead has the potential for lifelong positive change. There are other ways to go about this work. Here is an excellent piece on working through family of origin issues through a body-mind perspective.
I love the work of helping people make these life changing shifts. If you believe you might benefit, seek out a therapist with this focus. I wrote a straight-forward digital guide called, Family of Origin Work: Untangle Your Healthy Roots, to help you identify the issues, understand where they come from and strive for change on your own. If it’s not enough, it can be a good tool to use before beginning therapy with a therapist with this practice focus, to start efficiently and with some reference points to launch from.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: What exactly does “family of origin” refer to in this context?
A: “Family of origin” refers to the family in which you grew up, including parents, siblings, and any primary caregivers. It encompasses the early relational experiences and dynamics within that family system.
Q: How can exploring my family of origin contribute to my emotional well-being?
A: By understanding the patterns and experiences of your early life, you can gain insight into the roots of your current emotional responses, identify unresolved issues, and begin the process of healing.
Q: What are “core beliefs” and how are they formed by my family of origin?
A: Core beliefs are deeply ingrained assumptions about yourself, others, and the world. They are often formed through repeated interactions and messages received within your family of origin during childhood.
Q: If my childhood was relatively positive, can family of origin work still be beneficial?
A: Yes, even in relatively positive childhoods, there can be subtle dynamics or unmet needs that influence your adult functioning. Exploring these can lead to greater self-awareness and improved relationships.
Q: How is the “narrative” about myself, others, and the world developed through my family of origin?
A: The “narrative” is the story you’ve internalized about yourself and your place in the world, based on your early experiences and the interpretations you made of those experiences within your family system.
Q: What does it mean to “shift my narrative,” and how is this achieved?
A: Shifting your narrative involves recognizing and challenging inaccurate or unhelpful core beliefs that were formed in your family of origin. This is often achieved through increased awareness, processing past experiences, and consciously adopting new, more empowering beliefs.
Q: How can understanding my family of origin help me break unhealthy relationship patterns?
A: By identifying the relational dynamics you learned and experienced in your family of origin, you can understand how those patterns might be repeating in your adult relationships and make conscious choices to create healthier connections.
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Have a question related specifically to your situation?
Ask a therapist to get educational feedback and guidance on your specific emotional health or relationship concern. LoveAndLifeToolbox.com Founder and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT offers Therapist Consultations here via chat.
How to work on yourself * How to improve your self-esteem * How to be less hard on yourself * How to assess the emotional safety in your relationship * Address feeling unlovable * …
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